Once upon a time, there was a boy called Frank who lived in a relatively non-descript town called “Uniformity” that could have been anywhere, really (it had a McDonalds, a Next, a Boots, an Argos, an “It’s a Scream” pub – and everyone really liked talking about football). Frank both looked and acted very much like his contemporaries and peers. He dressed the same, ate the same food, watched the same TV programmes, felt socially obliged to know what was happening in “Celebrity Love Island”, and spent much of his time listening to RnB and manufactured rock.
What Frank had always longed for (other than to be a professional footballer, have a former Miss World finalist as a girlfriend, and own a Ferrari) was to do something that would stamp his seal of authority and individuality upon this otherwise bland, pedestrian and insipid existence.
One day, (Monday 30th May 2005, to be precise) whilst walking through his local record store, and being subjected to the latest in cynically marketed, tedium-inducing nowhere-bands, he spied something that would change his life forever. Calling out to him like a voluptuous siren from a nearby vantage point was EarlyYear’s EP1. Possessed by an almighty desire to purchase this product, Frank lurched towards the New Releases section, scattering children and bowling grannies aside in his eagerness to hold this curious and wonderful creation. As he lifted one of the CDs from the rack he felt a warmth flow through his being, and touch his very soul, like the cares of the first ray of sun after an interminable winter. In the background a heavenly choir could be heard, and a shaft of light fell upon Frank from above (probably from a poorly maintained skylight falling open or similar).
Frank floated to the counter in a state of absolute euphoria. This was it! Frank was breaking free of the humdrum of Uniformity for ever. He was his own man. He was a leader. He was a winner. EarlyYear would be the foundation on which a new era in music, life, communication and expression would be built.
Frank had laid the cornerstone of this new world – and it only cost him £3.99.
You too could be part of this revolution! Simply follow these 3 easy steps:
1. Visit your local HMV or similar record shop during the week commencing 30th May and request your copy of EarlyYear’s EP1, or go to Amazon.co.uk and buy a copy there and give it a implausibly positive review (please read existing reviews and you’ll get the general idea)
2. Go to The Water Rats in Kings Cross at 8pm on 6th June 2005 and hear EarlyYear perform live, and applaud frantically after each song. Here’s how to get there http://www.plumpromotions.co.uk/punter.htm.
3. Tell everyone you have ever met about EarlyYear and physically force them, with weapons if necessary, to buy a copy of EP1. Then round up your nearest and dearest and pile them into the boot of your car (steal a car if you do not have one) and drive them to the Water Rats where we will proceed to rock everyones’ outfits off. Remember to print this email and use the bottom bit below to get a quid off entry. That’s a quid you can put towards your copy of EP1. A bargain I think you’ll agree!